Blah!

Women say that when you turn 40, you become so much more sure of yourself. You radiate with confidence and drop the bags of insecurity. And, to be honest, I started out the year with a bang. Yeah, I'm turning 40! I don't look it and I don't feel it! And, the crowd cheers...yay!!!!

Well, the applause has stopped and I can hear my mind clearly and the clock ticking. Not my biological clock and not my clock of marriage - none of those. But, my clock of purpose. Every so many years I look around and wonder, "What the heck and I supposed to be doing?" I blogged about this feeling last month and it hasn't gone away. It probably won't go away until I discover what path I will embark on to take me higher.

In my 20's, I remember walking down the street in Brooklyn, NY pondering the same question. I was a broke actress working at temporary jobs to pay the bills. My mind played tricks on me as I compared myself to others my age or younger who had "already had it made." They were either living their dreams, or working steady jobs and receiving big money. Never mind the fact that I temped at places such as Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch and watched young bright-eyed college students boggled down with working 80 hour work weeks. I envied the amount of money they were making, but realized that they worked so much that they couldn't even enjoy life. After talking with a few of them I realized that they weren't happy either, it was just a job that they were offered after receiving their wonderful degrees in Business Administration.

Then I reflected on my hair stylist, she was doing exactly what she wanted to do and was getting paid plenty for it. And, she was younger than me. I couldn't afford to go out to the restaurants to hang and many times she treated me. My sorority sisters were Engineers, Accountants and working steady jobs and was able to travel freely. I expressed my frustration with my Sands, Dawn. She said, "But Alicia, you're living life and experiencing things that we would never be able to do." She was right, I met celebrities and tried my hand a comedy and lived on the edge. But, in my 20's I still wanted more.

I figured that life would be so easy if I could just settle down with a job. Boy, was I wrong. I have tried settling for so many years. And look at me now...released from my "steady job" and still wondering what I was created for? Sooo, even more pressing of a question for me. At what point of the 40's will the crowd start cheering as I beam with confidence and security?

More on my journey to self-discovery and purpose...