Wednesday, June 30, 2010

So, I told my gurl Erica that I wanted her to be in charge of making sure that I danced in a cage before my 40th. Promptly, she opened her day planner and without looking up said, "Done. We can do it on June...." That was it. Just like that. I asked Erica because she is young, full of life and truly knows how to have a good time. Trust me, I live vicariously through her Facebook photos.

The night started out with a blast at the Queen City Dancing Queen Prom. We had a fundraiser to help provide scholarships for those who need a little help. The attendance was low, but we had a blast. Plus, my special friend came and that meant a lot. But afterwards, the real event began...

Just like college days, a group of us piled up in a car and headed to the "spot." We fed our growling stomachs and laughed at all the private jokes. All in all, it was about 12 of us. Someone mentioned shots and that was foreign to me. "You don't do shots? You haven't taken a shot?" I hated to perpetuate any stereotypes so I kept my mouth shut from explaining that black folks don't often take shots. We like to buy one drink and hold on to it for the rest of the evening. "A shot is too fast to be spending all that money on," is what I pictured a sista saying with a hand on one hip and a roll of the neck. So, they got a shot or two for me. And yep, it me.

Just like Lil' Mama rapped, "Shawty was gettin' loose!" We slipped downstairs where the club was and took over the dance floor. Hesitation to approach the cage was wearing on me. Should I? But that's what I came here for, right? It's on my list! Soon, the right song hit and me and Diana, another dancer went in together.

I (and we) was (were) working the cage like a pro. No really, I was because someone said that. "You've done this before!" Uh no, I hadn't, but I've taken four pole dance classes at Tease Fitness! So, that's how I was able to move, but the shots helped me to relax and not be so self-conscious.

Finally, I was without inhibition and felt free to move about without the caring about any googley eyes. I can definitely mark it off my to-do list, but I just may have to add it again...just for the heck of it!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Women say that when you turn 40, you become so much more sure of yourself. You radiate with confidence and drop the bags of insecurity. And, to be honest, I started out the year with a bang. Yeah, I'm turning 40! I don't look it and I don't feel it! And, the crowd cheers...yay!!!!

Well, the applause has stopped and I can hear my mind clearly and the clock ticking. Not my biological clock and not my clock of marriage - none of those. But, my clock of purpose. Every so many years I look around and wonder, "What the heck and I supposed to be doing?" I blogged about this feeling last month and it hasn't gone away. It probably won't go away until I discover what path I will embark on to take me higher.

In my 20's, I remember walking down the street in Brooklyn, NY pondering the same question. I was a broke actress working at temporary jobs to pay the bills. My mind played tricks on me as I compared myself to others my age or younger who had "already had it made." They were either living their dreams, or working steady jobs and receiving big money. Never mind the fact that I temped at places such as Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch and watched young bright-eyed college students boggled down with working 80 hour work weeks. I envied the amount of money they were making, but realized that they worked so much that they couldn't even enjoy life. After talking with a few of them I realized that they weren't happy either, it was just a job that they were offered after receiving their wonderful degrees in Business Administration.

Then I reflected on my hair stylist, she was doing exactly what she wanted to do and was getting paid plenty for it. And, she was younger than me. I couldn't afford to go out to the restaurants to hang and many times she treated me. My sorority sisters were Engineers, Accountants and working steady jobs and was able to travel freely. I expressed my frustration with my Sands, Dawn. She said, "But Alicia, you're living life and experiencing things that we would never be able to do." She was right, I met celebrities and tried my hand a comedy and lived on the edge. But, in my 20's I still wanted more.

I figured that life would be so easy if I could just settle down with a job. Boy, was I wrong. I have tried settling for so many years. And look at me now...released from my "steady job" and still wondering what I was created for? Sooo, even more pressing of a question for me. At what point of the 40's will the crowd start cheering as I beam with confidence and security?

More on my journey to self-discovery and purpose...