Here We Go - Cruisin! Part III

I love my journey! Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, continuing on my adventure. Okay, I went on the cruise, rode the banana boat, fell off of it and got back on it, and then went parasailing. Whew!

The cruise ship had a variety of clubs and musical shows to check out. The fun part was dressing up and looking cute. I wore a dress that I've never worn and probably won't get a chance to wear again (where would I go in Charlotte that requires dressing up?) Let's be honest, the best part was dressing up and taking pictures.

Second island destination: Nassau. We decided to forgo a beach excursion. We didn't want to pay the ships $65 ticket price just to be dropped off/picked up at the beach even if it was a private island. I was baked enough. Besides, as soon as we walked off the boat and down a cute little walk way, taxi drivers approached us. Rodney, a charismatic driver gave us a good vibe so we decided to take a 2 hr tour of Nassau with him.

Rodney took us, and several other cruisers, all over Nassau. We toured the middle class/million dollar homes and to the poorer areas. I sat right up front with Rodney because I love to talk and interview folks. Rodney never tired of my questions. It was crazy riding in front on the left side of the vehicle in a city with no obvious traffic laws, but Rodney was a gem. In fact, he had me already moving over to Nassau and even showed us the area that I would be living in if I decided to teach there. (What he didn't tell me that the cost of living was so high!) As a side note, did you know that Nassau didn't have taxes and the government covered healthcare costs? This excursion was truly about learning a little about the culture and sightseeing. What I found interesting was that I could count the number of folks that had natural dred locs. Most women had relaxers or wigs (wigs in that heat, really?!)

I've already decided that I'll be relocating somewhere outside of the U.S. when I get older. Hmmm...maybe Nassau will be in the running. I can't relocate until Dove goes to college and I've got my Master's Degree, etc. and etc.

We toured the absolutely astounding Atlantis. I can only dream of staying there right now. (Lawd, let me work hard as a writer and sell some books so that I can lounge at the Atlantis for a few days.) The rooms start at $499 a night! Other than that, we walked around Nassau finding the perfect souvenirs and t-shirts. My mom has this obsessive thing for t-shirts.

So, back on the ship the guy that my mom marked as a loser kept popping up. I didn't know his angle, but whatever it was my mom wasn't having it. Then a guy slid over to me and said, "You know, you have some sexy legs. I've been watching you all day...you had on some orange shorts, right? I wanna dance with you..." Okay, corny! I couldn't help but to squeeze through the crowd and lose him. Can you say, "stalker!"

Now, here's what you've been waiting for. (Ha! You didn't even know that you were waiting for something, did you?) I've been dancing and working out trying to wear a two-piece bikini by my birthday. I tried it on in the room and had Dove take a picture of me - and I chickened out. Then I kept on eating and getting a round belly. And, the days were passing by. Finally, I decided to wear it regardless of what I looked like. So, I put it on and went to the upper deck to ride the giant water slides and take pictures in my bikini. My first bikini ever!!!! (Ha, I waited until I was 40 to wear a two-piece so no judgement!)

Here We Go- Cruisin! Part II

When I went on my cruise, I knew that I was going to make it adventurous. I had to. This was the year that I marked as my beginning of living free, daring to live, trying new things, etc. and etc.

Freeport, Bahamas. Our first destination. Hot sun, clear waters and clean air. Since my mom and I cruised before, we were kind of familiar as to how it worked when we arrived at an island. You have to move beyond the port area to get to the action. A few cruisers were leery of the taxi drivers shouting and urging you to their vehicles so we had to let people know that this is how it works. There was nothing at the port, but a few shops and a little welcome band.

Dove, mom and I hopped in a taxi with a few other cruisers and headed to Freeport. We had one thing that we had to do - swim with the dolphins. Well, *ahem* pet the dolphins according to my mom. Although I wanted to swim, she was not quite ready to join me on the adventure. We made our way to the touristy area of Freeport and found the excursion office. (We didn't book any excursions through the cruise ship because they were too expensive.) That was a fail. We were sure that we could take the 2 PM and be back by 4 PM, leaving us 1 1/2 hours to play. However, the little lady at the counter insisted that we had to be back on the ship by four. Which was not the story at all. So, we missed it that excursion. We didn't have to be back on board until 5:30!!! Ugh!

We sauntered over to the beach area. Beautiful! The sand was white and although it was hot as a brick oven out there, the sand didn't burn my feet. And, the ocean - man oh man, the ocean was clear and amazing. I loved it all except for me feeling like a chicken on a rotisserie rack. The sun was broiling my skin! All I needed was a little olive oil and I would have been ready to serve on a hot platter! Whew!

We decided to take a ride on the banana boat to cool off. We boarded with several others to ride out to see dolphins, million dollar homes, and a pirate ship. We bounced on the waves and soared like the wind! It was great, except for my mother screaming from behind me, "Slow down! There are children on here!" I believe she was crying out more for herself, but used the excuse of the children. It was a good thing because at one point we turned around and a man with his 4 year-old son bounced off the back of the banana boat and was floating in the water. Poor baby! There was no way I would have put a baby on that thing.

Back to the ride, yeah, I did say that it was all fine and dandy, right? Well, that was until the ocean smacked me right in the face! Yep, we hit a curve and I could feel the boat turning over - it felt like slow motion - and I tried to slant the opposite way for balance. Problem is, I don't think everybody else was trying to balance it out. We hit the water - bam! And, I went under. My baby, Dove, went under, too! Thank goodness she was closer to the boat and reached it to get pulled in, but me - ha! Did I mention that I can't swim and panic when my feet can't touch the bottom of the pool? Even with the life vest, I was in the water feeling as if I was about to drown...the water was touching my chin and that was entirely too close to my face. I looked a hot, dramatic mess! But hey, I got back on. (Photo: notice the people still floating in the water.)

I got back on only because I couldn't stand to hear my mother's warning. "I knew something was going to happen, my spirit told me that it was going to turn over, that's why I got off. My spirit...blah, blah, blah..." I got back on to show her that things happen. If you ride a bike, you're gonna fall off. If you get on a banana boat, it may very well turn over. Things just happen!

Back on the beach, as we played around in the water, guess what happened? Another excursion boat pulled up exactly where I was standing. And, my Zumba peer, Diana Stewart, got off of it. I didn't even know that she was in Freeport. Isn't that the craziest thing? We hugged, took pictures and even Zumba'd on the beach. (What was crazier is that she was covering my Wednesday night Zumba class for me!!!) That chance meeting which really gave meaning to the phrase, "It's a small world."

Well, after our traumatic experience, my mom was rather toddlish cranky. She was hot, needed water and probably wanted to get out of the sun. But, I wanted to do something else. I talked Dove into parasailing with me. My mom didn't want to and went off to seek bottled water. I wish she went out with us to take pictures for I have none to show. (sad face) I love Dove, she is such a team player. She's down for trying new experiences.

We waited our turn out on the wooden, floating dock. We were in the middle of the ocean! Me - the one who fear the water. After a quick tutorial on how to take off and land, we were harnessed in and ready to fly. It was truly amazing taking off and going high in the air. I looked back at the balloon, down at the water, back up at the ropes and harness, and thought, "Man, this takes a lot of faith. There is nothing keeping us from plunging in the water, but these ropes." With that thought, a little panic set in. I glanced down and mumbled, "Holy, moly! What was I thinking." But, Dove was calm as a little dove. She said, "Close your eyes and let go of the harness, it'll feel like you're flying." Ha, the innocence of a little kid.

I did just that. I relaxed a little bit and trusted God to land us safely. I took in the heavens and the ocean below. I saw stingrays, turtles and the beautiful colors in the water. It was a sight!

These adventures were the best so far this year!

Celebration Station

Yep, the party is not over! I still have one more cha-bang left. My cousin Shinnel is throwing me my actual birthday party. I'm so psyched! I haven't had one since my BFF forever, Tracee, gave me a surprise party when I turned 26. So, yeah, I'm really ready for it.

However, in the meantime, I've had little moments of celebration. In especially, the cruise. My mom killed two birds with one stone by taking us on this vacation, we celebrated mine and Dove's birthday. Just us three gals on a cruise to the Bahamas. My mom flew in from the Motor City with the hugest, heaviest luggage. Can someone tell her that we don't pack like that anymore? Geesh, she didn't even wear most of the stuff she packed.

Any-hoo, this trip came at the right time. I was so overwhelmed with everything going on. I didn't feel stressed, but I could tell that I needed a little break. Lately I have been traveling, but it wasn't always pleasure. Funny thing is, I've been traveling more without the steady-income-job at the bank and I'm not living off credit cards. It doesn't add up on paper, but I'm living more free now than I did then. (Can someone holla, favor!)

Getting back to the cruise...I see that I'll have to take several installments to get all my thoughts out. When we first stepped on the boat, it was buzzing with excitement. People didn't know where to go first. Colorful drinks with cute umbrella's were popping up everywhere - but they weren't free. (Pace yourself, folks!) We were starving so we decided to eat first and check out the room once they were available.

Carnival Fantasy is an older ship so it wasn't as large as most cruise ships. I've gone on Royal Caribbean and it had so many other options for food and activities. But hey, this was a free trip - a cruise at that so who's complaining? Not me. It really wasn't about me because this was also a trip for my daughter. It was so wonderful to see her and my mom laughing and bonding. We don't get to see each other as much so this was definitely a winner for all three of us.

On the very first day we met three gals from Asheville. Can someone say, "Road Trip!" Thank goodness for Facebook, we're able to keep in touch. They were so fun that an instant bond was formed. Hilariously enough, they were all in their 20's and you have me -40- and my mom -much older- hanging out with younger gals. I do hope we didn't look like two old biddies trying to be young. Ugh!

Oh, another thing...a guy found his way to where I was sitting -reading- on the high deck. Dove was in the children's camp and my mom was in the art gallery so I found peace - alone. Well, I was found and I had to put down my book (The Grapes of Wrath) to carry on a conversation lest I be rude, right? Well, he bought a drink for me, nice. But, not necessary. Finally my mom came -the reference mom came up in our conversation several times as I talked about her - and joined us. He bought her a drink as well. All was fine and dandy until he called her "mom" one too many times. She rolled her neck and said, "Listen, don't call me mom again. I'm her mom, not yours...(under breath) sh** we're about the same age..." Hilarious! That man could do nothing right after that no many how many drinks he offered her. He had no chance with me because she ex'd him out with picking him apart the rest of the cruise. "Something isn't right with him...he's divorced twice..."

Thank goodness finding love was not on my agenda because she blocked my chances for that one! This was a family trip, just the girls, and family love was in the air.

A Taste of Power

175 mph. That's fast...real fast. And, I like to go fast - as I've discovered.


When the opportunity came for me to ride in a race car on the Nascar track, I deliberated for a minute. Should I? Or, shouldn't I? "Hey," I said to myself. "I'm turning 40 and this year is all about experiencing new things, heck yeah, let's do this!" And, I did.

It just so happens that since I'm on a journey, Dove is on a journey with me. Hey, it's part of the life of a single mother. But, she's a good road buddy. She's game for trying new things so she was in and didn't back out of it. She's cool.

We waited for our turn to get in the passenger seat of the race car. Disappointed crept in because I really wanted to wear that bad azz racer uniform. Can you imagine the picture - me in that uniform!?But, I quickly sobered as I realized that I'd be dripping sweat in this smothering Charlotte heat. Then I wondered, how in the world am I going to slide in the window of the car while trying to look cool. Luckily, Dove went first so I watched her. If she could do it then I could definitely do slide in gracefully.

Funny thing, I don't even watch the races on television and had never been to the track before this day. But, at that moment I had to experience being in a race car. I watched in proud excitement as she roared past me several times and came out with a smile. My turn. Helmet on - check! Cool stride - check! Leg up and slide in the car - ch..ch...check. The driver revved the engine and off we went! Fast...so very fast! Faster than the rollercoaster, The Intimadator! Extremely Fast! And, I could have sworn that he took me around 4 times. I tried to count, trust me. The fierce roar of the engine was incredibly loud while the vibrations from it penetrated my body. It was on! The ferocious rumble, me riding shotgun and the 1-2-3 and we're off made me scream with delight! While taking the curves, we hugged the wall so tightly I thought, "Hey, uhm, are we supposed to be this close to the wall?" I held all of my trust in the driver on this new adventure because as soon as I thought it, we were on the straight track again. Whew! Zoom! Whoa! We rumbled and skidded to a stop leaving a trail and smell of burnt rubber. I was ol' skool-Happy-Days-Fonze bad: Whoaaaa!

I did it. Fun. Fast. And, furious! Loved it! It was just over a little too soon.

Uhm Yeah, there's a certification for that!

Yeah, about this turning 40 thing and the bucket list...uhm, somewhere in between those two things I decided to teach dance fitness, i.e. Zumba. It's one of those things where you start the sentence with, "See, what had happened was..." I say that because I was never one to always dance (unless in the club back in the day) or attend any type of fitness class on a regular basis (not on your life, unless it was in my living room) or desire to teach (well, it was that one time that I thought I could teach African dance after taking an African-robics class). But, that's all in retrospect. We're talking about the here and now.

Yep, a year and a half ago, I walked into a Wednesday night Zumba class taught by Sara Bremer, not really knowing what to expect and I was hooked. It kind of put me in some kind of hypnotic trance or the music must have had some hidden messages delivered to the subconscious mind because all of a sudden I said, "I can do this. I'mma teach Zumba!" (I'm still wondering where that voice came from 'til this day!) I took a Zumba certification class and told Angie Acosta of Queen City Dancing Queen, "Okay, I'm certified, but I want to teach with your group." Yep, you know how the story went because I'm teaching with Ang and the QCDQ posse.

Yeah, about that... Uhm, here's the thing. I was supposed to be just teaching and having fun - but that is work! Learning choreo, being consistent, remembering stuff -did I tell you that as I've aged, my memory is starting to suck! Yeah, and now I'm accountable to lead groups of people all the while having an aging memory issue - and an getting AFAA Group Training Certification.

Hold up, what was that? Get a what? An AFAA Group Training Certification. Wait, who said anything about that? I just wanna dance! (You mean to tell me there's a certification to teach dance, too?) Yeah, who knew that I had to take that test. Fast forward and rewind back to last Friday - all day from 9-5:30. Certification Day. All. Day. Long. Here's the other thing...after spending the whole day going over muscles, figuring out what strength and stretch exercises to do for the practicum part of the test and breezing through a study workbook for the test and etc, and etc. - we start the test the last hour of the day. Someone should tell AFAA that college students have the agility and adaptability to workout all day and mentally exhaust themselves and still take an exam and someone should also remind AFAA that most of the participants were well beyond the collegiate age group! (Let me just say, I am not sure if I ate enough brain food because I was mentally exhausted by the time I took that test.) Side Note: The instructors for the day were absolutely wonderful and did their best to instill information into the participants.

Halfway through the test, I looked down at my answer sheet...(sigh) there were a lot of C's marked. Oh well... Let me just get back to dancing when things were not so complicated. Hey, I've got an idea! Maybe someone should make some music that subconsciously teaches all the muscle groups, nutrition, energy sources, fitness risks and benefits, etc (the etc. is everything you should know for the AFAA certification) and that way, while we're exercising our bodies our minds are getting plugged with information. Yeah? Yeah? You like that idea? It's yours, consider the first one free. If you make a million off of it, then I charge 20% for the idea. Good luck!

Taste of another custom...

So, my cousin went to Dubai (yes, all the way over to the infamous, luxurious Dubai) and posted the pictures of Facebook to prove it. She indulged in the exquisite desires and comforts that Dubai has to offer. But, who's jealous. I'm not jealous. Who said anything about jealous? Ohhh, one day, perhaps...

She partook in the custom that even the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland experienced. The Hookah Pipe. Who remembers the relaxed, cool caterpillar puffing on the end of the stem? I remember when I first saw a hookah bar. I was at a Writer's Conference in Tampa and striding along with a few authors, we stumbled on one. Aussie bestselling author, Anita Heiss, and I wanted to try it out. Hey, that's what writer's do. We engage our senses and dare to experience life so that we can write about it. However, we didn't because the other two writer's didn't want to do it. Awww....

So, guess what? Charlotte has a hookah bar. Well, it's a dessert bar with hookah pipes. Same thing. And, I tried it. Yep, along with some other virgins to the hookah. We had to ask some hookah novices to show us what to do. I have to admit, it was exciting to try something new - that was also legal. And, it was pretty relaxing as well. (I don't think my pastor would approve, but if I was still a member of Christ Central, it would be fine since I know Pastor Harold experienced it and is not the least judgemental.)

The group of us puffed the strawberry flavored leaves and chuckled at each other as we attempted to look cool as newbies. It was cool. An experience, but I won't be feigning to get to the hookah bar every weekend for a fix. Now, if I ever go to Dubai, I know exactly what to expect. Or, if I'm every hanging out with Snoop, I'll know what he means by puff-puff pass - but only in the legal sense. :)

My Plea for Common Sense

If you haven't heard by now, let me be the first to tell you. Common Sense is available! And, as much as I hate to admit it (to admit it is an act of betrayal), I am wanting me some Common Sense. Well, you all might know him as Common. Common Sense was his name back in the day. And yes, Serena let him go! (It's about time! Come on home to me, Common...just come on home!) She claims to have commitment issues. (Whateva!)

I'm admitting it because my BFF used to be in love with Common. And, we women have a code that we follow. Girlfriend Code #3: Never Date Your GF's exes. Well, technically, he isn't her ex, but its like the same thing since she had a secret love for him (and Will Smith). Anyhoo, it's not my fault that I have these feelings for him. It's Common's!

It all started when he spotted me in a crowd at his concert and pulled me on stage and personally serenaded/rapped to me two songs and hugged on me and took pictures with me and left his body sweat on me (taking a big breath). Ahhhh....Common. You just have to sigh dreamily when you think of him. He's so intellectual and grounded. And, I bet he can hold a conversation. What a turn on! Okay, okay, moving on... That's when the fantasy began.

I mean, I just don't understand why Erykah and Serena can't appreciate that good man! Well, I'm sure they appreciated him when they were together, but come on, he's fine, beautiful smile, talented, smart, and I'm sure he values the beauty in women. He just has to!

Well, Common, I'm sending you my plea! Just come on back to me! We've got so much in common, Common. Your first major album was Like Water For Chocolate at that was the title for the first foreign film I ever saw! We both majored in Business Administration, although I was quite bored with it and changed my major. We both are spiritually connected, have one daughter, and use our gifts of writing/presenting to change minds. I get you, Common! We're both vegan, well, I hope you're still vegan. Ahh, I could go on and on about how we would make lifetime friends, but instead, I'll wait for your arrival back to Charlotte.

And I (aiiiiii) will always love youuuuuuuu!

I'm f(bleeping) Tasha Mack!

Okay, I'm not Tasha Mack, but I am Alicia Williams. I am Alicia Williams. I AM Alicia Williams.

Who is Tasha Mack? She's a fictional character on the sitcom, The Game. This chic has some issues of coming to grips of getting pregnant in high school by punk a$$ Chauncey, over 40 and still single with the only thing going for her is Malik El-Debarge Wright, her winning Quarterback son. But, it hit me - we all have issues that we are overcoming and as women, we still punish ourselves. We punish ourselves for past mistakes, for being single, for not having that perfect body, career, etc. And we do this, all while being wives, mothers and girlfriends. Dang, we got it hard, plus we have to have still go through menopause!

But seriously, I work hard to keep my confidence up. It should come easy, right? But it's not. High confidence comes in stages. I wish I was fabulous all my life, but incidents always reminded me (or us) that maybe I'm not all of that. Like, when my grandpa used to say: "You short, fat and squatty and ain't got no body." Or, the backward compliments of "You're kind of cute to be so dark skinned...if you had a lighter skinned sister, I'd talk to her." Or even to my hair, "Why you wear them things in your hair?" (Uh, my dred locs?)

As I watched The Game, I saw how Tasha Mack pumped herself up without the assistance of others. I realize that I must dust the old layers off of my shoulders and toot my own horn (I hate tooting my own horn, it seems so egotistical). Tasha would loudly declare, "I'm f(bleeping) Tasha Mack!" Yeah, go head with your bad self! Sometimes you gotta declare your own greatness because no one is gonna do it for you. Like Tasha, we've gotta push past our old mistakes and realize our full potential, beauty and power. "I'm (bleeping) Alicia Williams!" Yes! I know I'm beautiful! I'm destined for greatness! I'm all of that! Why? Because I said so! I'm Alicia Williams!

THIS is your life. This IS your life. This is YOUR life. This is your LIFE!

I'm gonna live life on my own terms. I'm gonna love me with all of my imperfections and past mistakes (and future ones). I'm gonna be, no - I am wonderful, talented, gifted and beautiful. You know what? Sometimes you gotta look in the mirror, rear your shoulders back, smile your best smile and say, "I'm (bleeping) _______ _______ (insert name here)!

Round Two...

It was so nice to get an invitation to go out with the agenda already planned. It minimizes the debating and deliberating time. That's how it is with E-Boogie (Erica). She's like, "We're going to the Charlotte Roller Derby and then dancing. Boom." The emphasis on the boom meant that it's all settled. And, I'm like, "Cool." Only thing I had to debate and deliberate about was what to wear - cute yet comfortable. I settled on some skinny jeans, red-hot Nike dance shoes and a cute tee with a picture of Paris.

I love a good Girls Night Out. I really do. Well, that's kind of a rhetorical statement because who doesn't like a good night out with the chica's. Erica, her old friend, and her roomie, LaToya, in tow was seated front and center at the Charlotte Roller Derby. It was so much fun! Really, it is a good outing to take your daughters to as an empowering event. Those women were working the floor and the skates. And, all I thought was, I really want to wear a roller derby outfit - so hot! Well, that's not all I was thinking as I was screaming at the Philadelphia team as they tried to bully our Charlotte girls off the track. I'll keep my actual thoughts to myself.

The night followed with my cousin, Lena, joining us. She drove all the way from Greensboro in her convertible Sebring - with the top down, of course - for a cage experience. I love her. Gotta love a person who loves to laugh. And, also we were joined by a young (really young) cutie pie (and his friend) that Erica met at the pool. So, the group of us went out eating and dancing. And that's when the fun actually began again...

We worked that dance floor like it was going out of style! We held it down as we dropped it low. And, not to mention - the cage. Yep, I did it again for the second time. I owned that cage once again and of course, had to share it with the cage virgins - since I'm a pro at it and stuff. And, when LaToya managed to have the DJ play my song request, Pony by Genuwine, that's when I cut up. You couldn't tell me that I wasn't filming a music video. (I had to put the word music in front of video to make sure ya'll knew where I was going with the video comment. Just forget it, ugh!)

Seriously, I faced my fears of dancing in front of everyone in an isolated place. Yeah, I know I teach dance fitness, but I mean dancing and trying to tap into the inner sexiness. We women want to feel sexy, look sexy and embody sexiness...confidence. That's why I wanted to dance in the cage. I'm sure there are other ways to do it, but that was one of the ways that I chose to display my freedom of announcing to the world -and myself - I like me, the way I look (except in a bikini) and feel.

All I have to say is - I cannot wait for my actual birthday celebration. It will be delicious!

I know...I know...

This is it...I can't fake it any longer. Time is of the essence and yes, me, have procrastinated almost the entire year. I know that I was supposed to leave that terrible habit behind me. I know this already! I know that I declared to fit into a two piece swimsuit by my 4oth birthday. Get off of my back already. I know that I have about 30 days to go and I haven't worked out with my Jackie Warner video tapes consistently or done my ab/core work. Enough torturing me already! I know, darn!

It's not your fault. It's me. I'm under pressure. So, I didn't mean to get all defensive and stuff. You see, I went to my all time favorite store, Target' (pronounced Tar-jay for us couture folks). And, I saw a bikini - it was part black and black is supposed to be slimming, right? And, I have been teaching dance fitness classes and stuff so I thought I'd go to the dressing room to check my progress. *Ahem* What had happened, the bottom was a small and I could have used a medium, you know? So, I found a size medium and went back to the dressing room. *Ahem* I don't know what is wrong with my throat. Anyhoo...I told my daughter that I'd call her when I was ready to seek her opinion. I opted out of that choice.

Well, I renewed my challenge. I bought the bikini refusing to take the tags off just in case I don't reach my goal - to set it as a challenge to work hard for 30 days and see what changes I find while wearing the bikini. When I got home, I had my daughter take pictures of me in the black two-piece. What was I thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking that it can't be all that bad since I exercise on a daily basis. It won't be that bad even with a little belly and love handles and a little back fat. I cannot possibly be that bad. *ahem - ahem* It was worse.

No more chocolate...wine...refined carbs...and whatever else I know is wrong to have. I will not be defeated. I must look better - on camera - in a two piece. Yes, I do already have a tankini - that's not the point. I set a goal so I have to reach it, even if it is after -much later- than my goal date.

*ahem*

Freedom Starts in the Mind

Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. - Harriet Tubman

Charleston is one quaint town that I love to visit. It seems as if every tree, stone, house and building has a story connected to it. And, boy do I love stories. Recently, I found myself taking a few days of R&R in my favorite spot. (Other than seeing my aunt Sophia and her husband at my hotel all the way in a different state and quickly sneaking out the door to avoid a confrontation - everything was pretty much R&R - see blogs about family.)

My friend and I visited Boone Plantation. As the sun glared angrily down at us, we could just about imagine the miserable lifestyle of the slaves working in the field. I said, "just about" because we were merely walking around the plantation and not doing heavy labor. Brick slave cabins still exist on the plantation (the wood shacks were destroyed during one of the hurricane seasons). The bricks were handmade by the slaves and if you look closely you will find finger impressions in the bricks.

We walked through the cabins and it hit me, "Slaves lived, breathed, birthed babies in this very place. I'm standing where they stood, wept, dreamed and loved." One of the cabins was excavated and they found the bones of animals that were buried. They questioned, "How could slaves live off of the meager food rations - nutrition wise - and perform all the labor demanded of them?" They hunted and buried the leftover bones under the cabin floor so that the master wouldn't find them.

We also visited the Slave Market, where they brought the slaves, housed and cleansed them for auction. This is where I broke down crying and had a break through.

As I touched the walls that my ancestors were shackled to I wept for them and for me. I thought, "How dare I question my gifts? They made so much progress with limited resources...they fought so hard for freedom...MY FREEDOM. I have to do all that I can to live up to my full potential. How dare I question if I'm a good enough writer to go to graduate school or how could I afford it! I have to do it, for me and for them.

I freed a thousand slaves I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves. -Harriet Tubman Free your mind!

We live in fear daily: How can I afford it? What if I fail? What if I don't get promoted? How can I do this? If our ancestors lived in constant fear and worry, we wouldn't be free.

There's an old saying, "We stand tall on the shoulders of our ancestors." Yes, I'm standing tall, working on my manuscript to get to graduate school to write words that will motivate minds. I'm standing on the shoulders of Harriet Tubman, Frederick Douglas, W.E.B. DuBois, Sojourner Truth, Nat Turner and the unnamed hero's who shed blood by the lash or put fear aside and pushed for liberty.

I am turning forty next month and I have to show some growth this year in my journey. Me loving myself, pushing myself to reach my full potential, live life without regrets and fear is my goal. So yes, I'm free to live - live my best life now! It is not my desire, it is my destiny!

My to-do list...

Well, I can honestly say that I can mark something off of my to-do list that was never on it. If this particular event was on my list it would have read: Be insane for a moment and ride the intimidating Intimidator at Carowinds.

Earlier this summer, I really, really wanted to ride on the Intimidator. I stood with my mouth dropped opened and eyes wide staring up at the enormous rollercoaster. It seemed the tracks looped and dropped and went on forever. I just had to ride it, but not enough to stand in line under the blazing sun for at least 2-3 hours. (I know, it doesn't seem that long when you're in line - whateva.)

Dove and I found ourselves at the theme park on a cloudy, drizzling day. We rode every ride that we wanted to. But, and yes, there's a but...we started off on the high note. I talked her into riding The Intimidator - first. The line was short, we didn't have time to debate, analyze or even talk of our expectations. We were clicking our belt buckles before we realized what what going on, but instinctively I knew we weren't in Kansas anymore.

The car (or unit) climbed higher and higher and even higher. I love rollercoasters and the thrill of the drop. However, after ten minutes of climbing up the never-ending hill, it was at that precise moment that I questioned my sanity. Why in the world did I talk me and my only living child to get on this crazy ride? What in the world was I thinking? Was it too late to turn around? And, as I was about to cry like an infant fighting sleep that's when the tipping point came and down, down, down we dropped.

The down part should not be underrated here, folks. After that climb, the down was incredibly steep and I could have sworn that we were descending straight down - not at an angle or a curve- but straight down. And, round and round, up and down it went - on forever.

My to-do list has some incredible, risk taking challenges on it, but seriously, The Intimidator should have been number seven because that ride was thrillingly insane! Was I ready to run back in line - hellz no! I was ready for a kiddy ride to calm my heart down (I had to massage it back up to my chest since it dropped down to my stomach)!

"I better watch what I say around you..."

my friend half jokingly said. "Or else my life will be on page 6." (Page 6 pun, in the NY Post all the crazy news and drama is on page 6) Obviously, he reads my blogs.

I remember this lady in church warded off gossipers by saying, "If you don't want it repeated then don't tell me." What she meant was, "don't come whispering to me about something or somebody unless it can be repeated." I laughed at this while all the while knowing that I loved a good gossip secret every now and then. Okay, yes, I'll repent, but be honest with yourselves, you've indulged before. So, don't judge me!

This year I have decided to be transparent via my blogs. This is a journey of trying new things as well as my experiences, encounters and thoughts. And, as a writer and actress, I go through an emotional rollercoaster by empathizing with others. Every conversation, meeting, and situation might just be repeated at one point or another whether it's in a blog, one of my books or plays. That's just the way it is. I write about me, my family, friends and enemies. I take it all in and write about it.

When my mom finally read my book, Up From Rock Bottom, she was extremely angry with me. "You painted me as this bad mother and made it seem like I've never done anything for you," she lamented. It wasn't that she was a bad mother, I tried to explain. It was just that she was a young mother and made some choices that affected her children. Now, did I mean to oust my mother for the world to point their judgemental fingers towards? No! But, unfortunately while telling my story she became a sacrificial lamb of having her story exposed. And, we all hate exposure...well, bad exposure. While talking about my nitty-gritty her gritty-nitty was intertwined.

I have to admit that I'm pretty stubborn and rebellious so I try not to write out of that energy. But, I must write. It's funny, I grew up a shy, passive kid. Later, something snapped within me and as my mother says, "You just can't let stuff ride, you've got to tackle it." Yep, I do, but I am learning to pick which battles I'll pursue. Sometimes I'm wrong and sometimes I'm right and sometimes its just about principle. And, as we all know, there may be consequences and repercussions.

This year, I'm trying not to hide anything. I was very transparent in my book and I'm transparent now. So, if your story is intertwined with mine and you see it on page 6...well, as the church lady said...

Unless, of course we both know that it is personal and private, some stuff I do promise to take to the grave to honor friendship.

I just lost one...

"Who me? What?" I mouthed to the hunk of man on the cruiser in the left turning lane. He signaled a "hi" and gestured about me pulling over. This took me back to my highschool and college days when guys flirted with girls and let them know that they were desirable. Ohhh the days. I was flattered to be checked out on a hot day plus being sweaty from working out.

Biker man navigated his way out of the biker lane and followed me to Target. He seemed a little charming, but again I could have been so flattered that in my now past youth days that I'm still being flagged down. Or, it could be that I was taken aback since men in Charlotte won't utter a single compliment to women even on our best Halle Berry-everything-is-tight day.

We exchanged numbers and as on cue he asked, "Where's your man?" Cute, same line guys used since the 70's. "I don't have a man," I said. But, I did tell him that I had a friend.

Biker man wore my phone out! It quickly went to, "I miss my boo," and "My baby is smart!" Whoaaa big fella, it's way too soon to be labeling me as boo and baby. Big turn off! So, I backed off a little. I have to admit it would have been cool riding on the cruiser or sailing on his "boat" (if that was true.) However, my antennae was sensing something strange and I had to acknowledge it.

Finally, I told him, "Listen, I can't give you the time that you want. I won't leave my daughter at home alone to come meet you. I won't bring her to meet you because I don't introduce her to guys I've just met. And, to be honest, I'm just really busy with the direction my life is moving. So, don't wait for me, go do your thing." He quickly told me that he wasn't waiting, but he just wanted to see me. (Yeah, okay.)

Over the holiday weekend, dude called me over and over. Men, don't do that. Women, don't you dare do that!!! Don't keep ringing someone's phone until you get them. Give them a chance to call you back. Ugh! I was never given that chance and I was irritated. He must have called not once or twice, but about 8 times over the weekend without me calling back. Beyonce's "Diva" played out on my iPod and I said, "Okay B, let's do this."

I called dude back (he had just called me twice, back to back again) and told him, "Hey, I was busy and saw how many times you called. You don't have to call me over and over until you get me on the line. When I'm not busy, I'll call you back. That's irritating and overwhelming. And, when I feel overwhelmed I back away..." He tried to interject something about telling my man to stop taking up my time and that he just wanted to see me or something stupid like that. "Listen, I'm feeling overwhelmed," I continued. "So, I don't think...hello?"

Dude hung up on me... What the? Do men in their 40's still hang up? Ha, apparently so.

Wicked is Life

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!

Life is a journey. It can be an amazing one if we let it. And, this year I hope to make it an amazing one even in the midst of unemployment and an unstable future.

Sitting in the auditorium watching the wonderfully crafted musical, Wicked, I found a lesson. Watching Elphaba finally breaking away from the limits that others place upon her as well as dealing with her unusual oddness was so refreshing. Yes, a green girl trying to life a half normal life is strange, but to have the purpose of living to take care of her disable sister? Ugh! "Don't do what you want? Do what we tell you to do? Live this way and not that way!" Not Elphaba and not me! And, hopefully not my daughter, Dove.

I wrote my first book, Up From Rock Bottom, to prove to my daughter that she can do anything that she wants to do. I wanted her to stretch her mind and creativity and understand that life has no limits. As a child, I pretty much got her involved in the creative world and that child would watch every musical including the long length "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." In fact, her kindergarten teachers thought she had ADD, but she was having a musical going in her head.

Through the years, I found that I put so much into her that I lost myself. And, now here it is 11 years later and I'm rediscovering me. Unemployed and questioning my purpose. Am I to go back to school? What about money? Should I just get a "real" job if there is such a thing?

But, at least I have the courage to find me and what I really want. It's time to fly and live life! Defy gravity and do everything. I may not ever be Puffy Combs rich, but I want a fulfilled life without regrets! So as Elphaba says: it's time...

It's time to try

Defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity

I'm flying high

Defying gravity

Blah!

Women say that when you turn 40, you become so much more sure of yourself. You radiate with confidence and drop the bags of insecurity. And, to be honest, I started out the year with a bang. Yeah, I'm turning 40! I don't look it and I don't feel it! And, the crowd cheers...yay!!!!

Well, the applause has stopped and I can hear my mind clearly and the clock ticking. Not my biological clock and not my clock of marriage - none of those. But, my clock of purpose. Every so many years I look around and wonder, "What the heck and I supposed to be doing?" I blogged about this feeling last month and it hasn't gone away. It probably won't go away until I discover what path I will embark on to take me higher.

In my 20's, I remember walking down the street in Brooklyn, NY pondering the same question. I was a broke actress working at temporary jobs to pay the bills. My mind played tricks on me as I compared myself to others my age or younger who had "already had it made." They were either living their dreams, or working steady jobs and receiving big money. Never mind the fact that I temped at places such as Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch and watched young bright-eyed college students boggled down with working 80 hour work weeks. I envied the amount of money they were making, but realized that they worked so much that they couldn't even enjoy life. After talking with a few of them I realized that they weren't happy either, it was just a job that they were offered after receiving their wonderful degrees in Business Administration.

Then I reflected on my hair stylist, she was doing exactly what she wanted to do and was getting paid plenty for it. And, she was younger than me. I couldn't afford to go out to the restaurants to hang and many times she treated me. My sorority sisters were Engineers, Accountants and working steady jobs and was able to travel freely. I expressed my frustration with my Sands, Dawn. She said, "But Alicia, you're living life and experiencing things that we would never be able to do." She was right, I met celebrities and tried my hand a comedy and lived on the edge. But, in my 20's I still wanted more.

I figured that life would be so easy if I could just settle down with a job. Boy, was I wrong. I have tried settling for so many years. And look at me now...released from my "steady job" and still wondering what I was created for? Sooo, even more pressing of a question for me. At what point of the 40's will the crowd start cheering as I beam with confidence and security?

More on my journey to self-discovery and purpose...

When I grow up I want to be...hmmm, good question...

Let's see, as a kid I wanted to be an architect because I liked drawing. But, there was so much more to being an architect than just drawing, it required math. Ugh! Then I wanted to be a lawyer because it sounded cool. Heck, everyone wanted to be either a lawyer or doctor.

Fast forward to college, I started out majoring in Business Administration, but kept falling asleep in Accounting and Economics. For me, those subjects were boring with a capital B. But, not to insult those who are turned on by crunching numbers, it just wasn't my cup of tea. Then I switched over to Elementary Education and an art teacher took us to an elementary school to teach a lesson. Those unruly kids would not listen to me! "You're not a mommy, you're not tall enough!" That episode instantly ended that career choice for me. Don't laugh, those children left me traumatized.

Finally, I took an African-American Studies class and my eyes opened wide. I was Black! Yes, like James Brown sung, "I'm Black and I'm proud!" It was a new journey for me as those were the days that everyone wore the red-black-green Africa continent shaped medallions. So, I created a major in African-American Studies at the University of Kentucky. Where, I might add, took a few acting classes and was in a few plays.

Fast forward even further, I went to acting school in NY and all I wanted to do was land a gig on a sitcom.. or soap opera ...movie ...or even an indie film... or even a commercial -- or whatever could pay the rent and let me be on TV!

Okay, the point is...what am I going to be when I grow up? I've had every job there is: flight attendant, receptionist at the Geraldo Rivera show, grocery store clerk, make-up artist, nail technician, administrative assistant - just to name a few. But, those were just jobs, not careers or anything I strived to be when I grew up. Let's forget the fact that I'm a grown woman now, that's just a minute detail, okay.

So, that leaves me with the soul searching question: What will I be as I grow up, or mature?(As grown folks like to say.)

Toni Morrison once asked, "What is it that I must do or I'd die?" (Die being a metaphor for living without purpose.) For her, it was "I must write or else I'd die." What is it for me? I know what I like to do and what I really enjoy doing and even what I really, really like to do? But, are they what I would love to do every day or that I must do or I'd die?

It's like this commercial that's running on TV now. It shows mature(d) people saying what they want to be when they grow up, as if their goals were forgotten dreams distracted by the bill-paying-get-a-real-job-to-pay-the-bills necessity of life.

This journey of turning forty is more than experiencing a life of firsts, but discovering me. Who am I? What do I love? What is it that I must do on this earth that no one else is supposed to do?

Do you know what you must do, or else you'd die?

Truth is...

"just a friend" is not "just a friend," but a "good friend." Tracee ragged on me this morning and made many comparisons on friendships with dudes. Friendships with dudes, as she puts it "is more plantonic." Me and my friend, are not as plantonic as I would have hinted to since we do go out and maybe share a peck (or two) on the lips. So, he's been upgraded to my good friend...nothing more so get off of my back!

Yesterday, you would have thought that we were an old married couple. Seriously, we've been friends for almost three years and it shows. Our theme was cleaning and home improvement. I helped him clean his hardwood floors, courtesy of the Shark steamer and steam clean his carpets. And, then off to Lowe's for the work to be done at my house.

My friend loved Lowe's. It is totally a man thing. I wanted to go there with the list and get out. He wanted to peruse the sale tables, "you just never know when you'll need this stuff." And, when we happened to walk down an aisle with fireproof safe's, he got a little too excited. I stood there for a few minutes, hoping that this too shall pass, but it didn't. Finally I blurted (in my old settled in tone of voice), "We didn't come here for that!" Another man passing chuckled at our bickering and as a true old man he whispered to the gentleman, "That's why I like to come here by myself." And, we even celebrated our sweet victory as we purchased vanity lights marked all the way down, by the loquacious manager herself, to $10 and $7. A sweet-to-good-to-be-true deal!

I do have to say that we worked well as a team. However, I was so tired and moody that at one point my only response to his fetish for thorough details was, "I don't care." But truth was, I did care...not so much about how many inches the framed mirror should be from the bottom of the mantle or what kind of lock to get to replace my old one...that didn't matter. But, I realized that I care about my friend.

Ughhhh...noooooo! What is the world coming to?! Have I really been in denial or is this a new revelation? Hmmmm....inquiring minds want to know.

The Morning After

Ya'll, I'm sore. Who knew that my back (across my shoulders) would be sore? I expected my arms, but the rest of my body too? Come on, I wasn't venturing into pole dancing for the work out? Who does that? I strictly wanted to just tap into my sexiness.

Hey, guess what? It hasn't happened yet. My inner sexy goddess wasn't in the mirror this morning. She didn't show up as I cocked my head to the side and wiped crust away from my eyes. And, she didn't show up when I got out of the shower and looked at myself naked. But you know what? I still believe she's in me, maybe she's just not a morning person. Or, just maybe she needs more that one pole dancing lesson (it's a series of 6 classes). Or, maybe it takes more than just all of the dancing (Zumba, Dance Out and Urban Shimmy) I'm doing, but really looking at myself in the mirror and liking - no loving- what I see.

All of that is great - but what about the soreness?

Well, truth be told, I don't think this is the worst of it. I happened to wear leggings to my first class. I was told to wear shorts next time, "The shorter the better," she smiled innocently. But, what she didn't tell me (or the class) as she effortlessly flipped around, up side down, slid back down, and got back up sexy, is that we'll be walking away with pole burns. I was reminded of that as I read my friend's blog, thanks Sara!

She had the same experience during her pole dance class: trying to look sexy while being a virgin to the pole, then feeling the burning sensation as the pole meets skin and burns, as you attempt to slide down - while trying to look sexy. And, as my instructor as well as hers kept repeating, "Stand up sexy!" (In addition to "Keep toes pointed, ladies").

All day long I'm going to repeat "Get back up sexy." I won't be on a pole but as I get up from sitting down or bending to tie my shoes, whatever I'll be doing - just remember I'll be getting back up sexy.

Getting Sexy Back

"Ladies, instead of doing push-ups today, I want you to do pull-ups. Grab the pole, with the strongest hand on top, pull up and hold for at least ten seconds. Let me show you first." Wow, that looks easy. I've done core work and had to pull my legs up to my chest. Cool.

I eyed the girl that shared the pole with me, "You wanna try it first?" As excitement filled it room, it seemed that neither of us were too eager to go first as we were both beginners. But, she made it look so easy. To my surprise, pulling myself up on that pole for ten seconds was harder than I thought.

The instructor's body oozed sex appeal with each curve and dip of her hips around the pole. I bet that each and everyone one of us coveted the way she climbed and twirled around the pole. I sure did. I looked around and wondered how the diverse group of women found themselves at Tease Fitness Boutique. What was that one thought that got them registered for a pole dancing class. Quickly, I shrugged the thoughts off and focused on the moves of our instructor.

"Now, glide down the pole...this is Naughty Bunny." Oh, I like that one. I learned the Fireman, Martini, Pull Pull and several other seductive moves. My eyes looked around at the other women and gauged my progress. Although I'm competitive, I didn't feel like these women were competitors, but felt that we all came with the same goal.

You see, I've been dancing for the past year and learned to push my body to the limits. Pole dancing is a whole new realm since it works the upper body and core in a totally different way than weight lifting. Plus, add in the factor that we're supposed to be sexy during the learning process. Tonight, I realized that almost all women have a sexy goddess living deep inside of them and it takes the right combination to wake that goddess up and bring her forth.  

The energy changed from being a little tense to relaxed and fun as soon as we ladies stopped comparing our dance moves and bodies to the other attendees. I know I got in the flow a little better when I stopped taking myself so seriously and gave myself permission to just enjoy the process without expecting perfection. Breathe...have fun...get your sexy back. Ahhhhhhhhh....

Wait a minute, what did she say? Perform? Did she say we had to perform? Yep, by week four we will be working in heels...those high stripper heels. And, by the end of the class we should have choreographed our own routine. Shucks, I just about forgot half of the dance moves by the end of the class (darn short-term memory!) That's nothing, she showed us a move where we'll be upside down...please don't let me fall.

Why did I decide to take this class anyway? Oh yeah, I thought it would be fun AND it's a first for me. Hmph! But, I don't know about that upside down move. Wait a minute, didn't I say that I don't quit. I want to unleash my inner sexy goddess and explore her characteristics. As one of my older blogs mentioned, "I'm tired of being the cute friend and want to be sexy," and this may be the thing that ushers me to that point. Besides, all I need is a pole to practice on daily and a pair of red stripper shoes to walk around in...then I'll have it down in no time (yeah right: to the pole, the red stripper shoes and having it down in no time).