"I better watch what I say around you..."

my friend half jokingly said. "Or else my life will be on page 6." (Page 6 pun, in the NY Post all the crazy news and drama is on page 6) Obviously, he reads my blogs.

I remember this lady in church warded off gossipers by saying, "If you don't want it repeated then don't tell me." What she meant was, "don't come whispering to me about something or somebody unless it can be repeated." I laughed at this while all the while knowing that I loved a good gossip secret every now and then. Okay, yes, I'll repent, but be honest with yourselves, you've indulged before. So, don't judge me!

This year I have decided to be transparent via my blogs. This is a journey of trying new things as well as my experiences, encounters and thoughts. And, as a writer and actress, I go through an emotional rollercoaster by empathizing with others. Every conversation, meeting, and situation might just be repeated at one point or another whether it's in a blog, one of my books or plays. That's just the way it is. I write about me, my family, friends and enemies. I take it all in and write about it.

When my mom finally read my book, Up From Rock Bottom, she was extremely angry with me. "You painted me as this bad mother and made it seem like I've never done anything for you," she lamented. It wasn't that she was a bad mother, I tried to explain. It was just that she was a young mother and made some choices that affected her children. Now, did I mean to oust my mother for the world to point their judgemental fingers towards? No! But, unfortunately while telling my story she became a sacrificial lamb of having her story exposed. And, we all hate exposure...well, bad exposure. While talking about my nitty-gritty her gritty-nitty was intertwined.

I have to admit that I'm pretty stubborn and rebellious so I try not to write out of that energy. But, I must write. It's funny, I grew up a shy, passive kid. Later, something snapped within me and as my mother says, "You just can't let stuff ride, you've got to tackle it." Yep, I do, but I am learning to pick which battles I'll pursue. Sometimes I'm wrong and sometimes I'm right and sometimes its just about principle. And, as we all know, there may be consequences and repercussions.

This year, I'm trying not to hide anything. I was very transparent in my book and I'm transparent now. So, if your story is intertwined with mine and you see it on page 6...well, as the church lady said...

Unless, of course we both know that it is personal and private, some stuff I do promise to take to the grave to honor friendship.

I just lost one...

"Who me? What?" I mouthed to the hunk of man on the cruiser in the left turning lane. He signaled a "hi" and gestured about me pulling over. This took me back to my highschool and college days when guys flirted with girls and let them know that they were desirable. Ohhh the days. I was flattered to be checked out on a hot day plus being sweaty from working out.

Biker man navigated his way out of the biker lane and followed me to Target. He seemed a little charming, but again I could have been so flattered that in my now past youth days that I'm still being flagged down. Or, it could be that I was taken aback since men in Charlotte won't utter a single compliment to women even on our best Halle Berry-everything-is-tight day.

We exchanged numbers and as on cue he asked, "Where's your man?" Cute, same line guys used since the 70's. "I don't have a man," I said. But, I did tell him that I had a friend.

Biker man wore my phone out! It quickly went to, "I miss my boo," and "My baby is smart!" Whoaaa big fella, it's way too soon to be labeling me as boo and baby. Big turn off! So, I backed off a little. I have to admit it would have been cool riding on the cruiser or sailing on his "boat" (if that was true.) However, my antennae was sensing something strange and I had to acknowledge it.

Finally, I told him, "Listen, I can't give you the time that you want. I won't leave my daughter at home alone to come meet you. I won't bring her to meet you because I don't introduce her to guys I've just met. And, to be honest, I'm just really busy with the direction my life is moving. So, don't wait for me, go do your thing." He quickly told me that he wasn't waiting, but he just wanted to see me. (Yeah, okay.)

Over the holiday weekend, dude called me over and over. Men, don't do that. Women, don't you dare do that!!! Don't keep ringing someone's phone until you get them. Give them a chance to call you back. Ugh! I was never given that chance and I was irritated. He must have called not once or twice, but about 8 times over the weekend without me calling back. Beyonce's "Diva" played out on my iPod and I said, "Okay B, let's do this."

I called dude back (he had just called me twice, back to back again) and told him, "Hey, I was busy and saw how many times you called. You don't have to call me over and over until you get me on the line. When I'm not busy, I'll call you back. That's irritating and overwhelming. And, when I feel overwhelmed I back away..." He tried to interject something about telling my man to stop taking up my time and that he just wanted to see me or something stupid like that. "Listen, I'm feeling overwhelmed," I continued. "So, I don't think...hello?"

Dude hung up on me... What the? Do men in their 40's still hang up? Ha, apparently so.

My journey has new direction...

Last month I was questioning, what was I going to do with my life. Working in the arts in such an unstable career especially during this economy. Heck, working any job holds instability right now. But, the arts is in me and if I tried anything else it'll be like a 200 lb. woman squeezing uncomfortably in a pair size 9 skinny jeans. It's a hot mess to say the least.

Recently, I heard a speaker/author named Dan Pink speak on the arts. Let me share with you some of what he said to help clarify any doubts of pursuing what you want to do in life.

We are now tipping from the left brain to bridging the right brain. We prepare our children (as we were prepared) through math and science to get jobs as accountants and lawyers, but don't teach through the arts. Here's why we have to change this, according to Mr. Pink. The three A's: Asia, Automation and Abundance.

Asia: India will take over America. There are 1 billion people in India, and if 15% make it with education and coming to America for better jobs, guess what? That would be 150 million new workers. Right now, US is outsourcing "routine" jobs and they are no longer valuable. A routine job is defined as: if you can write down the steps and get the right answer (blue-collar jobs). These jobs have left the building like Elvis!

Automation: Software is replacing our "left" brain. White collar jobs are being replaced by software. For example, accountants high revenue service is tax preparation. These are now outsourced to India, which prepares about couple 1000 per tax filing. No big deal! But, Turbo Tax has hit the scene and has taken over majorly. Even lawyers got paid for uncontested divorces, but now you can file online for $249 at completecase.com, 3stepdivorce.com or 123divorce.com.

Abundance: We live in it! Think back to when our parents grew up. They didn't have a tv/dvd in every room! The ipad just came out 2 months ago and 2 million people bought it. Two months ago did they know that they were missing it? Or, the "new" iphone. What was wrong with the old one that people stood in line for hours to replace it? Abundance!

Poets, dancers, and artists give the world/people what they didn't realize they were missing. The right brain art abilities help us establish high concept-hard to send overseas-and give the world what was missing.

We need novelty, nuance, customization, but our education is routine with right answers and standardization. We need to restructure our system from STEM (science, technology, engineering and math). Ex., NYU medical students are going to the MET (Metropolitan Museum of Art) to study the artwork because of diagnostic training. Why? Certain types of diagnosis is routine through software. Students are learning to use observation skills like a sculptor and painter (using reasoning, analytical, algorism, aesthetical skills.)

As I listened to more of Mr. Pink's speech, it made me realize that my teaching artist work has and will make an impact on our future. So, I'll be pursing my arts and my Master's Degree.

As Rachel said with tears in her eyes in Glee to the music teacher, "I'm just really glad you didn't become an accountant." As the song fades in "Don't stop believing..."

Okay, you twisted my arm, I'll talk!

I'm sitting here trying to focus on my writing, but I can't because the same thoughts keep swirling in my head. The way I look at it, I have several choices: let them keep swirling and stay distracted, get the journal out and write it all down or just blog about it as part of my transparent evolution. Lucky for you, I chose to blog it.

My mom has always told me that I will never have a man because I am to hard on them. My retort was, "I just don't like excuses." The men in my family never reached their full potential because of excuses. So, when I called my friends' friend to invite him out to share my friend's birthday he gave me a few reasons on why he couldn't come: my girl can't make it...I know ya'll want to be alone...I'm gonna' let ya'll share your intimate moment." All these "reasons" fell flat because it was an invitation to join a celebration. So, when I later ran into both my friend and his friend and brought up the event, the reason changed to "I've got plans." Wait, when? That was a new "reason." When I questioned him he said, "Hey, can't you handle her?" Or something to that fact. What? Handle me? That took me back to something a pimp would say.

I must admit that my pre-menstrual hormones kicked in and an attitude instantly swelled up. Instead of tripping, I decided to take myself out of the equation and leave. Simply exit before I said something inappropriate. What set me off? First, the excuses. I never expected this person to be full of excuses. Secondly, the passive line of "handle her." Not something a man should say to another man in front of a lady. Never.

I traveled to another event that I was invited to and got my attitude under control. If I was to celebrate my friend's birthday then I needed to check myself. Later my friend questioned me about my whereabouts and with whom. This was nothing unusual because he is a questioner of all things. However, if I was to question him then defenses would have shot up like a brick wall. "Why you questioning me?" We've talked about this and we both know it's true.

So, after all of the fun festivities of the night, my friend had a major attitude adjustment. Which left me wondering, "What the heck?" And, this made me question a few things. Why would someone who doesn't verbally admit his feelings or want a relationship even care what I do? What was the mood swing for? Why as grown adults do we just bury these thoughts and feelings instead of talking about them? Are the boundaries of our friendship being crossed and we're not admitting to it? Again, I know what my attitude change was about, but what about his? Should I even ask or let it go? Was my mother right all this time? Why the heck am I wasting time thinking about this crap for?

As you can see, I could spend my precious time asking questions and not writing, or I can just blog about it and let it go. I blogged it so hopefully I'll come to a resolution and let it go. Ah, woosah!

Wicked is Life

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!

Life is a journey. It can be an amazing one if we let it. And, this year I hope to make it an amazing one even in the midst of unemployment and an unstable future.

Sitting in the auditorium watching the wonderfully crafted musical, Wicked, I found a lesson. Watching Elphaba finally breaking away from the limits that others place upon her as well as dealing with her unusual oddness was so refreshing. Yes, a green girl trying to life a half normal life is strange, but to have the purpose of living to take care of her disable sister? Ugh! "Don't do what you want? Do what we tell you to do? Live this way and not that way!" Not Elphaba and not me! And, hopefully not my daughter, Dove.

I wrote my first book, Up From Rock Bottom, to prove to my daughter that she can do anything that she wants to do. I wanted her to stretch her mind and creativity and understand that life has no limits. As a child, I pretty much got her involved in the creative world and that child would watch every musical including the long length "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." In fact, her kindergarten teachers thought she had ADD, but she was having a musical going in her head.

Through the years, I found that I put so much into her that I lost myself. And, now here it is 11 years later and I'm rediscovering me. Unemployed and questioning my purpose. Am I to go back to school? What about money? Should I just get a "real" job if there is such a thing?

But, at least I have the courage to find me and what I really want. It's time to fly and live life! Defy gravity and do everything. I may not ever be Puffy Combs rich, but I want a fulfilled life without regrets! So as Elphaba says: it's time...

It's time to try

Defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity

I'm flying high

Defying gravity

So, I told my gurl Erica that I wanted her to be in charge of making sure that I danced in a cage before my 40th. Promptly, she opened her day planner and without looking up said, "Done. We can do it on June...." That was it. Just like that. I asked Erica because she is young, full of life and truly knows how to have a good time. Trust me, I live vicariously through her Facebook photos.

The night started out with a blast at the Queen City Dancing Queen Prom. We had a fundraiser to help provide scholarships for those who need a little help. The attendance was low, but we had a blast. Plus, my special friend came and that meant a lot. But afterwards, the real event began...

Just like college days, a group of us piled up in a car and headed to the "spot." We fed our growling stomachs and laughed at all the private jokes. All in all, it was about 12 of us. Someone mentioned shots and that was foreign to me. "You don't do shots? You haven't taken a shot?" I hated to perpetuate any stereotypes so I kept my mouth shut from explaining that black folks don't often take shots. We like to buy one drink and hold on to it for the rest of the evening. "A shot is too fast to be spending all that money on," is what I pictured a sista saying with a hand on one hip and a roll of the neck. So, they got a shot or two for me. And yep, it works...trust me.

Just like Lil' Mama rapped, "Shawty was gettin' loose!" We slipped downstairs where the club was and took over the dance floor. Hesitation to approach the cage was wearing on me. Should I? But that's what I came here for, right? It's on my list! Soon, the right song hit and me and Diana, another dancer went in together.

I (and we) was (were) working the cage like a pro. No really, I was because someone said that. "You've done this before!" Uh no, I hadn't, but I've taken four pole dance classes at Tease Fitness! So, that's how I was able to move, but the shots helped me to relax and not be so self-conscious.

Finally, I was without inhibition and felt free to move about without the caring about any googley eyes. I can definitely mark it off my to-do list, but I just may have to add it again...just for the heck of it!

Blah!

Women say that when you turn 40, you become so much more sure of yourself. You radiate with confidence and drop the bags of insecurity. And, to be honest, I started out the year with a bang. Yeah, I'm turning 40! I don't look it and I don't feel it! And, the crowd cheers...yay!!!!

Well, the applause has stopped and I can hear my mind clearly and the clock ticking. Not my biological clock and not my clock of marriage - none of those. But, my clock of purpose. Every so many years I look around and wonder, "What the heck and I supposed to be doing?" I blogged about this feeling last month and it hasn't gone away. It probably won't go away until I discover what path I will embark on to take me higher.

In my 20's, I remember walking down the street in Brooklyn, NY pondering the same question. I was a broke actress working at temporary jobs to pay the bills. My mind played tricks on me as I compared myself to others my age or younger who had "already had it made." They were either living their dreams, or working steady jobs and receiving big money. Never mind the fact that I temped at places such as Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch and watched young bright-eyed college students boggled down with working 80 hour work weeks. I envied the amount of money they were making, but realized that they worked so much that they couldn't even enjoy life. After talking with a few of them I realized that they weren't happy either, it was just a job that they were offered after receiving their wonderful degrees in Business Administration.

Then I reflected on my hair stylist, she was doing exactly what she wanted to do and was getting paid plenty for it. And, she was younger than me. I couldn't afford to go out to the restaurants to hang and many times she treated me. My sorority sisters were Engineers, Accountants and working steady jobs and was able to travel freely. I expressed my frustration with my Sands, Dawn. She said, "But Alicia, you're living life and experiencing things that we would never be able to do." She was right, I met celebrities and tried my hand a comedy and lived on the edge. But, in my 20's I still wanted more.

I figured that life would be so easy if I could just settle down with a job. Boy, was I wrong. I have tried settling for so many years. And look at me now...released from my "steady job" and still wondering what I was created for? Sooo, even more pressing of a question for me. At what point of the 40's will the crowd start cheering as I beam with confidence and security?

More on my journey to self-discovery and purpose...